Tuesday.
I still don’t even know if we are there yet. But this morning I did my usual check in text to mum ‘How was last night? How does he seem today/how are things?’and she said he hadn’t slept well because he’d been cold.
Again, I know nothing is definite but I google and that’s another step closer, right?Different friend confirms, yes. Not long. (Whatever that means.)
So I’m sitting here right now, trying to get all my thoughts in order. Mum isn’t answering the phone and I’m assuming that’s because maybe she’s actually out doing something (she said she had stuff planned this week) and not because she’s sitting bedside holding his hand.
What I do know is that this isn’t the end I want for me. I don’t think dad is selfish, but this has been such an overload for my mum, both physically and mentally. None of us have been through this before so as mentioned we have always been one step behind, running to catch up. I want to be parked somewhere nice with lots of good drugs and come and visit me when you can. I can’t help but feel dad’s pain (and constipation!) would have been controlled better if he’d been in a hospice. But that was his and mum’s choice. Also I’m thinking we’re going to have to have a difficult conversation with mum, because if she gets to the same place near her end of life then there won’t be someone to be there 24 hours for her.
So. We wait.
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